Genre: drama, h/c (It’ll come.)
Summary: My version of how Sam might have finally, really broken down after “The End.” In this version, Dean doesn’t get a hold of Sam on the phone at the end of the episode. I do have another chapter from Dean’s pov planned, but this can be read alone.
Lucifer, /Dean / (Sam)
A/N: I was never completely happy with this. I’m tired of looking at it sit on my hard drive, though. All mistakes are mine. *sigh* What are the chances this lj cut is gonna work? From experience, the chances aren't good.
He ran. His back was still sore from his fight with the hunters hell bent on revenge, but he ran and he ran hard. He ran long after the sun set. He ran through the freezing rain. His back screamed, his legs burned, but neither compared to the agony he carried within. He ran on.
“You’re the one, Sam.”
/ “We’re better off apart.” /
White breath panting erratically into the night, he ran to drown the screaming in his head. He ran to give his heart a different reason to ache. He ran, longing for something that would never be in reach again; the past—when the word “brother” still meant a light in his dark world. He ran until he fell to his knees in some long abandoned park, water splashing up through the grass and soaking him even further.
“You’re my vessel.”
/ “You chose a demon over your own brother. And look what happened.” /
Heaving and trembling, Sam curled forward as cold rain piggybacked on warm tears and slid down his pale face. “No…” he breathed, then yelled into the night. “No!”
How did he get here? Five years ago he was attending one of the top universities in the country. Five years ago he had a girlfriend whom he had hoped to make his wife. Five years ago he had a future to look forward to, a father to reconcile with, and a brother to turn to. Five years ago…he had hope.
Then came the visions.
Then came the grief.
Then he wanted revenge.
“My true vessel.”
Hard rain pouring over him like a faucet, Sam cried.
/ “We should just…stay away from each other for good.” /
He cried for Jessica. He cried for the father he lost and the mother he never got to know. He cried for Dean. He cried for Bobby. He cried for the world he damned by trying to prove himself, by trying to save people.
/ “Goodbye, Sam.” /
He cried for himself.
Gasping, Sam rocked forward onto his hands. Though the pain was sudden, it didn't surprise him. Grunting, he then fell to his forearms as another stab of blinding agony tore through his back.
("I will kill myself before letting you in.")
Grinding his teeth, he tried to push himself up on shaking arms, but instead collapsed breathless as the painful spasms continued.
“And I’ll just bring you back.”
Panting into the mud, Sam laid his head on his arm.
Easy to injure now, his back had given him trouble since Jake. It had never completely healed. He guessed it wasn’t the only thing.
/ “I just don’t think I can trust you.” /
He didn’t know how much time had passed, how long he’d drifted in and out lying there. The rain had long since soaked through to his skin, chilling him to the bone, chilling him deep where he’d been trying so hard not to feel for so long…and for the first time in a long time he wished for the way things were. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t want to be stoic. He just wanted his brother. He just wanted to be Sammy and welcome the safety, the feeling of home that would bring.
/“I just don’t…I don’t think that we could ever be what we were.” /
Face crumbling again, Sam pressed his forehead into the arm it rested on. When did it all go so wrong?
He cried long after the tears ran out, and even still the rain poured on.
Certain never to stop.
Finally, trembling from cold and reality, Sam tentatively started to push himself upright. It was hard rising against the quicksand of fear and solitude, but he needed to get to a safe and more defendable position when injured. His father had drilled that into him.
/“And I’ll come find you.”/ Dean had drilled that into him.
But Sam knew…there was only one looking for him now.
“I will never lie to you.”
Back muscles still seizing some, Sam’s throat made a pitiful noise as he carefully, slowly eased himself up until he was sitting on his calves. He just sat there then, unmoving and breathing unsteadily from a pain that was threatening to consume him—inside and out. He had never felt so alone in his life—because even when separated in the past, Sam had always known that Dean wanted to be at his side. It was a truth, a comfort he had never realized before now how much he had always depended on. How much he needed.
“Sam, my heart breaks for you. The weight on your shoulders. What you’ve done. What you still have to do. It is more than anyone else could bear.”
“…more than anyone else could bear.”
Heavy shoulders hanging, Sam blinked tiredly, rain falling from thick lashes. Thunder rumbled and lightening lit up the sky, but he remained where he was. He had nowhere to go after all. Nowhere truly defendable. Nowhere safe.
“I will never trick you.”
He closed his eyes, praying for a death he knew he could never escape to.
“But you will say yes to me.”
Suddenly something warm was gripping his shoulder, then touching his face and brushing his wet hair back. It was a familiar feeling. Long lost.
It meant M&Ms and classical rock.
It meant leather and smirks.
It meant safety.
It meant Dean.
Lifting his eyes, he screwed them shut when a bright light shone through the darkness.
“Sorry, sorry,” Dean said lowering his flashlight. “Open your eyes, Sammy.”
He did and looked up into his big brother’s tight, worried features. “D…” he breathed. He had found him. A sob escaped from Sam’s blue lips. Of course he had found him. He’d always find him.
“Yeah, it’s me, kiddo,” he soothed, taking off his own jacket and placing it over him. “What happened?”
“I…” Shivering, “I got lost.”
Kneeling before him, Dean swallowed hard. “Me too,” he replied thickly, apologetically, hand coming up to squeeze the back of Sam’s neck. “Me too.”